Parentheticals
by maramouse
Summary: Sometimes, the thoughts you try hardest not to think are the thoughts that are the most important. Lorelai drabble, set during "To Whom It May Concern".


Author's Note: This is a little drabble that came to me about, as a way for me to work off some of my frustration at Lorelai in Season Seven. Takes place during "To Whom It May Concern". Some of the dialogue (which I don't own!) has been borrowed and paraphrased from that episode.

I'm still working on my other stories (and some new ones). I will try to update soon, but my life is very busy right now, so forgive me if it takes a little while yet (especially for "Where There's A Will"). However, my life is about to calm down soon, so hopefully I will have more time to write in the near future.

Hope you enjoy this journey into Lorelai's S7 mind.

* * *

Being with Christopher was surprisingly easy. When she came home from the inn, she was no longer faced with a lonely dinner and an empty bed. Instead, she had someone to be _with_.

(Even though there were times where she missed conking out at the television by herself or bothering Luke at the diner, whenever she felt the loneliest)

Christopher _himself_ was easy, too. He knew her far better than most people did. He understood all of her pop culture references and was able to provide her amusement in the form of an easy argument, such as Metallica versus the Offspring. He had been in her life for as long as she could remember, and as a result, she rarely had to explain herself. Christopher had become accustomed to her quirks a long time ago.

(Never mind the fact that the reason she rarely had to explain herself was because she and Christopher didn't often talk about serious things)

The sex was pretty good, too. There was a reason she had periodically slept with him throughout the years. They were both attracted to each other, and he enjoyed sex as much as she did. Their fun-loving personalities were able to merge in the bedroom.

(Except she never felt butterflies around him. And to him, she was always "sexy," never "beautiful")

Most of all, being with Chris was comfortable. She never had to worry about whether or not he would shut down completely about his feelings and not include her in his life. She had gone with him to Paris, and he had no issues sharing his daughter. So far, Christopher was doing a good job merging his life with hers.

(But he had bailed on Rory again and again when she was younger. For so many years, his biggest flaw had been his instability.

And she never felt completely comfortable, just lying in his arms. Or _being_ for that matter.

And how hard was it for him to wrap his mind around the fact that Luke's name wasn't "that diner man"?).

But mostly, it was okay. It was better than okay. Pretty good, as a matter of fact. If Lorelai had had to make a pro and con list, her pros would have gone something like this:

-Loves me

-Wanted to marry me

-Never shuts down when something is bothering him

-Shares daughter

-I've told him that I love him back

-Fun to be around

-I like being happy

-I'm not alone anymore. I'm not the old maid, but a wife, finally

-He's predictable (for the most part)

-My best friend, when I was younger

-My first love

-Likes almost all of the same things I do

-Sure enough for the both of us

-Pretty darn cute

-Rory's dad

-It's easy

(But:

-He never made me an ice rink or carry around my horoscope

-He said he would wait eighty years for me, but really, eight was the correct number

-I've never taken out a spatula to inform him when we were having a "spat"

-He makes mediocre coffee

-Sometimes, I don't feel like he understands me…the adult me, that is

-There are times he still acts like he's sixteen

-I didn't feel like my heart was splitting and I was numb and had no feeling left in the days after Sherry got pregnant. I mean, sure, I was hurt. But shouldn't I have felt worse if he was The One?

-We never "make love". It's always sex. I mean, it's more about having fun than having that strong desire to pleasure him in the same way he pleasures me, to let him know now much I love him, and how important he is in my life. And while I deserve to take some of the responsibility, I think Christopher honestly doesn't know what making real love is like.

-He's predictable, which is good, but isn't there supposed to be some unpredictability in a relationship? Aren't there supposed to be sparks and fire?

-I don't think I'm ready to have his kids

-He didn't make my daughter coffeecakes for her sixteenth birthday or go to her caterpillar's funeral or high school graduation or birthday parties

-In fact, he didn't even see the town my daughter grew up in until she was sixteen

-I think I love him. But I also felt that way about Max

-There was only one person I knew that I loved, though, and look how that turned out

-Though he says that he loves _me_, sometimes, I can't help feeling like it's just infatuation

-Luke might have been a pod for the last six months of our relationship, but Chris's never been there, ever. In fact, this is the first time he's ever really been committed. And how long can it last, really?

-And our history just keeps on popping up

-He wasn't the first man I made love to in my own bed or whom I remodeled a house with or didn't want to bolt from or happily got engaged to or said, "I love you" to. He doesn't make me meals or coffee or my dog scrambled eggs or kiss the top of my head and hold me when I'm crying. We don't get into banters that make my day, and it's not fun to see movies with him, since he's seen all of them before, anyway.

-The truth: Luke would have been amused at my mom getting into jail, too. He would have also understood why I found it so funny

-I'm sick of pretending)

Those were the thoughts Lorelai was thinking-and trying not to think-as Christopher weighed the character reference in his hands. Though she tried to fight, deep down, she knew it was a losing battle. Luke was a sore spot in their relationship, and Christopher wasn't good at pushing his own feelings aside and sitting down and discussing things rationally with her.

(Something she and Luke should have done more of)

"I should've known," Christopher said, after she attempted to assure him (probably responding too quickly) that she wasn't in love with Luke any longer. "All the signs were there. The fact that you didn't want to leave Stars Hollow, that you were dead set against redoing the wedding, that you didn't want to have a baby with me. I mean, it's all because of him, right?"

Her heart was racing. "No, how can I…it's over, okay? What I had with him, it's over, Chris."

(_Don't you see, I can't go through that pain again. It's over)_

He crossed his arms. "Then why did you hide the letter from me?"

"I wasn't hiding it," Lorelai said quickly. "I put it in the drawer in case they lost the typed copy or the judge spilled coffee on it, the dog ate it. I don't know why I didn't tell you about it."

_(You have to understand, Christopher. I really didn't mean to hide it from you._

_I don't hide things. Not anymore. I'm past the stage where I hid things like going to your house after your dad dies. Hiding things only leads to relationships ending. Look at Luke and me, the first time. Look at Luke and me the second time, with April._

_I didn't subconsciously sabotage things by not telling Christopher about the character reference. Rory would say that I did, but it's not true._

_It's not)._

Christopher spoke quietly. "I think that it's because you're still in love with him."

Once upon a time, Lorelai had been an independent woman who had no trouble telling a guy when he wasn't right, but that woman had disappeared along with the appearance of April. When she spoke, she sounded more like Elle Woods, begging Warner to stay with her, than the strong, independent woman Elle had become at the end of the movie. "No, I love you. _I love you._"

He sighed and shook his head. She had seen this on his face thousands of time: that hesitant bite of his lip, signifying that he was about to run. "You know what? I-I'm sorry, Lor. I just-I can't handle this. You and him. I just-I can't handle being your second choice. I thought I could, but I can't, all right? I can't be your rebound. I'm sorry."

Her heart almost beat out of her chest, as she watched him leave. "Christopher?" she whispered when the door slammed shut. There was no response. "Chris?"

Nobody answered.

Outwardly, Lorelai was flooded with emotions. Her husband had just left her, and knowing Chris, it was possible he would not return. She was alone again, and as hard as she had worked to try to make this relationship work, it had all amounted to nothing.

Still, inwardly, she found herself thinking one thing:

(_I'm not really surprised_)


End file.
